I apologize, in advance, for the jumping around this post is going to be.
In my own way I am a deeply religious person. I don’t attend church. Mainly because I’m not a huge fan of organized religion. That is for a post some other time.
One of my personal beliefs is that God works with me in my personal growth. Always has. 75% of the time I don’t listen or watch for the guidance.
Another belief of mine is that God tries to get my attention in ever increasing ways. He starts by putting someone in my life that I need to learn from or enhance my learning about unconditional love. This is the “Pebble” God tosses at me. As I continue to live my life on the surface and ignore the opportunities presented the “Pebble” becomes a “Stone”. The stone becomes a “Rock”. The rock becomes a “Brick”. The brick becomes a “Boulder”. The boulder then becomes an entire “House” crashing down around me.
Mind you, these pebbles, rocks, and stones are figurative and not literal.
I have two (2) major faults. One is a prejudice. Not a racial prejudice. My prejudice includes all races because humans in adverse situations who continually stay stuck with no desire to change their lives for the better gripe the hell out of me.
My other fault is that I have no patience for animals. As long as they belong to someone else animals can be fascinating. I am not keen on being stuck with a three year old that requires constant supervision for 15 or more years with no hope of ever being self sufficient.
That is still part of my prejudice, only directed at non humans.
Why, you may ask, am I so hard hearted? Basically, it is a trust issue. At the base level it is all about trust.
Why trust? Because having complete trust means that a person is open to life and love without a bit of fear.
God rolled a boulder on me over the winter when I went through a tough bought of depression. This week God smashed a house on me. Am I pissed off? No. I am deeply thankful for the wreckage around me.
The protective walls I have carefully built around myself lay in a shattered heap around me. I’ve become exposed and I am forced to take a look at how I have been living with only half of my heart open.
This job of mine, an over the road truck driver, can sometimes be a bad thing. Solitary confinement by choice. Having hours totally alone to allow a mind to wander is very conducive in having memories pop through my head to torture me. Flashes of things I’ve said – or didn’t say – generally leads to self castigation. The people in my younger life that berated me pop in and out of memories.
There are times that I feel as though I am beset by one, or more, of the Dementors in the Harry Potter books sucking the joy and happiness out of my soul.
Twelve years I have been doing this job and it is time for a change. Long overdue in fact. Yesterday we delivered in Wilmer, Texas and went home for the night. Today we are deadheading from home to Buffalo, New York for a bunch of short loads in New York, Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, and Maine.
One of the hotel rooms we were in last Sunday I channel surfed the television. A movie I totally enjoyed was featured on a local station. The 2009 hit “The Blind Side”. The story of Michael Oher and the Tuohy family.
Michael Oher has written his own book about his life story. I wanted to find out more about this young man who was determined to get himself out of poverty and overcome the debilitating results of foster care to become a much celebrated NFL (National Football League) player.
Reading the accounts of his childhood of neglect and desperate poverty took me back to my own childhood with parents who were seldom home and having to fend for myself and my sister from very tender ages. My own experiences in the foster care system in the mid 1960’s to early 1970’s.
I’m pushing 60 years of age and had thought I had conquered those demons. Not so.
My epiphany is that my life as an adult has been a half life. Had I not so carefully built a house around my heart I could have been a mentor to someone going through the things I did. I had an opportunity to help a young woman going through a difficult phase of her life. I only involved myself a little bit owing to the fact that I was hardly home because of my job.
I have wanted to get really involved in my crafting life. A goal was to go to a local children’s hospital and help the sick kids create cards, bookmarks, or anything else I could think of that would take their mind off the hospital for an hour or two. However, this job and all that goes with it makes that goal impossible to reach.
This winter when we stop in November or December I am hanging up my grease stained scrubs and I’m done. Period! I will find a local job through a temporary agency and dust off my clerical skills or do factory work, or something else that will allow me to reach my goal.
Right now I am emotionally dealing with old pains, facing the neglect and abuse, and it is making me terribly more impatient, short tempered, and snappy.
I have talked with Joe about my turmoil. I’ve told him that I dearly love him and I am not mad at him. Michael Oher’s life and my life are similar yet different. Too similar and the feelings I have managed to keep at bay all these years have busted loose. Unfortunately Joe is the one taking the heat.
His response to me was “I understand and know you are hurting. I’m here for you and I always will be”. That means a lot to me makes me love him even more. Joe is willing to face the storm brewing all the while protecting me with his love.
Lord guide me through this. Lead me where I need to go.