Performance stress – otherwise known to me as FEAR.

Before I go any further I have to thank and acknowledge the best friends in the world that I have through the internet.  I went missing from the world wide web and these friends set up a mission to find me and make sure I was alright.  One of my friends told me the status had been raised to DefCon 4.  The friends I have garnered through  my crafting are steadfast and loving.  Every single day I thank God for them being in my life, albeit they are my online friends and some I have never had the privilege of meeting.  One day I hope to amend that and give each and every one of them a massive hug.

Shelly – online name is tachar.

Sending you a HUGE GIGANTIC ” I LOVE YOU” !!!!!
Been in over my head more times than I really like to admit I can so relate to this. I second the opinion to see your Doctor there is no shame in getting the help you need and sometimes that means medication. We’ve all missed you because we love you. Don’t beat yourself up just get better and we will be here waiting for you.
I love you dearly my friend and you’ve been in my thoughts and prayers
Make sure you tell Joe Hi from us and ask him to give you a few big hugs fron me :)
Love and hugs,
Shelly

I have been fortunate to meet her in person, as well as her family.  You want to know what it feels like to be ungrateful and selfish?  How about me being in the depths of my depression and Shelly lost her Mother after a long battle with COPD.  Shelly was at her Mother’s bedside for the past several months, leaving her children in the capable hands of her husband, while she watched her Mother pass away.  Shelly, through all this hardship and pain reached out to me and wrapped me in her loving arms.  Shelly….I am so very thankful for you.  I’m so sorry your loving Mother is no longer with you and I really wish I had not added to your pain and stress.  Dang!

Lynn – online name Gardenpinks

Great rounds of applause Leslie for finding the words to explain your take on life at this time. I hear you, totally understand – been there and done it and it too me two years to come out the other side – and wholly empathise with you. Only you can find the way back out and you are fortunate in that you now know the triggers – does Joe understand your condition? Does he know how asking you about dinner can add to your stress levels? Does he know how worried and stressed you are about your future? Let him read this post and TALK to him. He is not a mind reader.

Plenty of arms are here to help guide you through the tunnel and we love you for being you; as Jann said not for being productive but for being you.

Much love my friend and big hugs
Lynn xxxxx

Lynn is all the way “across the pond” in England.  So far away from me but still manages to span the distance with her love and support.  Lynn, if I could figure out a way to get to your doorstep I would be there in 10 minutes!  Your strength and grit never fails to amaze me and I am so blessed to have you as my friend and be loved by you.

Jann – online name WhatYouMakeIt

Great explanation of what your current reality is like…thank you for finding the words to share it with us! You have a lot of very real circumstances that have conspired to water down the hill you have been walking on…it is no wonder that you are having a hard time keeping your feet under you!

Here are my arms…let me give you a hug…hold you and tell you that I don’t love you BECAUSE you manage your time well or are a productive member of society. I love you BECAUSE you are Leslie! Period!

You are in my thoughts and prayers…and I want to be a helper. As you determine the path back…know I am here to do whatever will help you the most.

Love you!

Jann

I have had the privilege of meeting Jann in person, as well as her husband.  This woman is one awesome whirlwind of knowledge, creativity, love, and an awesome friend.  Jann has a magical ability with  her creativity that never ceases to amaze me in the things she makes.  I am truly blessed by her love and support – even though she is an up and coming celebrity in the crafting world 🙂 and could quite easily have left me behind.  Thank you my dear friend for your love.

Maureen – online name maureencmathis

Maureen is the one who called me at the crux of my funk and let me know that there had been a wide ranging concern for me.  I had been on my way out the door of my house to have a cigarette when she called and interrupted my game of solitaire.  Thank you Maureen for the love you blessed me with and set me back on the road to recovery.

Tina – online name TheCrippledCricket

i have been in that hole for a very long time..just now realized it. thank you..i can’t offer no advice but i can offer u a few words of comfort and to let u know u are not alone..and to let u know i will be praying for you.. i have missed ur posts. but now i understand. take the time u need for you. we’ll be here waiting on you. and if ever there’s anything i can do for you..do not hesitate to ask. i’m just an email away. hang in there girl.

love and hugs
tina

Tina suffers from chronic and severe pain on a daily basis.  To have her reach out to me and bless me with her love and support is totally awesome.  Thank you Tina for being one of the many hands that have pulled and tugged me out of the morass I was drowning in.  One day, soon, I hope to  meet you in person and give you the hug you so deserve.

Anita – online name Pinky

Saying a prayer for you and Joe for strength and wellness and blessings and hugs and…Be well, my wonderful friend. And you might want to think about gettng your butt to a doctor! Hugs and love and tons of respect and the highest regard…

Anita came into our lives, Joe and mine, shortly after we were married in 1990.  She is a therapist/counselor and was totally instrumental in helping us get through the really rough patch of blending a family together with all of my baggage from sustained abuse at the hands of many.  She helped Joe to know that my outbursts were not aimed directly at him and that he was to not take the cruel things I said personally.  That is what sticks with Joe even all these years later.  Thank you Anita.  We are forever grateful to you.

Now on to my post for today.  Joe and I are in the throes of getting packed and ready to head back out on the road.  Today I am in a better frame of mind to handle this journey.  Armed with the hope that things will be better for us this time with winter about to leave.

The end of January/first of February we picked up single axle day cabs in Las Vegas, Nevada going to Eaton, Colorado.  We got as far as Rock Springs, Wyoming when the snows came and we had to hole up in a hotel for three days.

Single axle day cabs

Joe has the experience of driving on ice and snow.  His setup has more weight on the rear axle than mine has.  He would have been able to cross the treacherous roads of Wyoming better than I would.  With mounting guilt, daily, we stayed in the hotel until the roads cleared.  I felt that my fears were holding Joe back from getting these trucks delivered.  Little did I know he was staying because my trucks would not be able to traverse the snow and ice due to the fact that these light weight trucks are not capable of handling the slick roads being paired on my boom as they are.

Uneven weight distribution

My setup does not have the proper weight distribution for slick roads.  Generally I stay  h0me during the icy winter months and, consequently, don’t know how to drive on icy roads.

This would be me….or worse.

Wrecked from the ice

When we did, finally, leave Rock Springs, Wyoming it was with much trepidation on my part.  There were still warnings of black ice on the roadway.

Black ice warning

Along with some very visual spots that totally freaked me out and had me whimpering.  Yes, whimpering.  Even though I took a picture of the fearsome sight before I drove over it.

Actual black ice on roadway

With Joe instructing me to just keep going and not step on the brakes I would be fine.  And to not make any sudden and sharp moves with the steering wheel.  He’s insane!  That spot will send me off the road and into a whole lot of foolishness and mayhem.  Now, don’t you just know that I totally trust my husband and his knowledge?!

We did deliver the trucks, safe and undamaged, to Eaton, Colorado.

While in Colorado and having to make a very long deadhead to El Paso, Texas for our next load we had to stop and see our kids for a day.  Our Son-In-Law, Chad, is a police officer in Denver.  Our grandson, Simon, totally loves and admires his uncle and has aspirations to follow in Chad’s footsteps.  Now tell me, is there anything cuter than this?!

Police officer Simon

Wait, indeed there is something cuter than this.  Simon in his uncle’s shoes is way past cute.  It is the BEST!

Simon in Chad's shoes

The fun and excitement was not quite over yet.  Once we arrived in El Paso, Texas to check out and hook up to the trucks we had been dispatched….all I could think was “This is just plain assed crazy!”.  Several of the trucks have no hood, the engine and transmissions have been pulled.  Bolts, nuts, washers, hoses, and a bunch of other stuff was loose.  Projectiles would be the operative word here.

Scavanged truck

Spending two weeks in high stress and worry mode compounded the funk that was starting.  It didn’t take much for the hands of depression to reach out of the gaping black hole and pull me down into the darkness.

Once again.  Thankful am I for my friends who reached into that dark hole and pulled me out.

Today we deadhead for Shelbyville, Tennessee in our pickup and trailer.  We will arrive tomorrow, Monday, late morning to move eight trucks to Blythewood, South Carolina.  All eight have to be delivered by Friday.  So be warned.  The “Foolishness and Mayhem” is beginning, once again.

Leslie

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About Message In A Fold

I am an over the road truck driver in Drive-Away Transport part of the year, and the sole bookkeeper of this operation the other part of the year. I do a lot of whining until I can get in my craft room and play with paper and glue. View all posts by Message In A Fold

3 responses to “Performance stress – otherwise known to me as FEAR.

  • gardenpinks

    So happy for you that you were able to visit some members of your family and have fun with your grandson. Safe travels to you and Joe as you go back out into the world of trucks again and hope that your time at home has de stressed you, even if it is only a small part. Have a notebook at the ready and think of one positive/happy bit in your day 🙂

    Much love and huge hugs
    Lynn xxx

  • aspot2stamp

    Oh my dear sweet Leslie you did not add stress to me I was just concernd for you and Joe. You my friend have helped me with “atta girls” and kind words of encouragement so many times. One of our phone calls when you prayed and wept with me is one of the things thats has been and will continue to help pull me through the difficult times ahead. This is what unconditional love is and believe me YOU have shown me this up close and personal. I am very blessed to call you my friend. So chin up girly we are all here for you. p.s. I too would be quite freaked out by the winter roads. I was when it wasent even me driving 🙂

    Much love and hugs to you and throw one in for Joe too 🙂
    Shelly

  • Anita (Pinky)

    Eaton. EATON!!! Sorry I didn’t know you were headed to this neck of the woods. I would have stood out on the highway with my thumb out!!! But next time you guys are this way, please give me a shout. Until then, feel another hug, or two, or three, headed straight at you! xoxoxo Anita

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