Hilarious e-mail I Received

As I read through my e-mails, once home, I came across this one.  It had me laughing so hard I about “split a gut”.

Thank You Everyone

As we progress through the year 2010, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the  1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or  feathers.

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put Under God on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit  down.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t  ever pick up a $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supporting South American dictators.

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it  actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friends beautician . .  . . . . .

Oh, by the way…..

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

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About Message In A Fold

I am an over the road truck driver in Drive-Away Transport part of the year, and the sole bookkeeper of this operation the other part of the year. I do a lot of whining until I can get in my craft room and play with paper and glue. View all posts by Message In A Fold

8 responses to “Hilarious e-mail I Received

  • Nancy

    hahaha!! So funny Leslie! I’d say that about covers EVERYTHING, doesn’t it? lol
    Well…I told my husband that on the top of my “to do” list today was catching up on your blog! So that is my intent…but first I have to stop laughing at this one! 🙂

    • Message In A Fold

      That one was just way too funny to delete. Thought I’d share it since it just about sums up all those chain e-mails that take up much of my in box and irritate the fool out of me. So glad you had a good laugh to start your day 😀

  • carissa vallejo

    HOLY CRAP THAT IS FUNNY!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! My favorite part is…THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
    HA HA!!! I HATE….AND I MEAN HATE THOSE EMAILS!!!!!! Thanks for sharing this! I totally enjoyed reading it, and I LOVE the person who wrote it!!!!
    Let’s all celebrate the insanity that is forwarding emails!!!!!!!

    • Message In A Fold

      Thanks Rissa! This was one e-mail that I could not bring myself to delete. I don’t like forwarding these things either. Since I “busted a gut” reading this I thought others might enjoy it also. Wish I had been there to hear your beautiful laugh, but it is enough to know that I made you laugh 😀

  • gardenpinks

    I have insufficient brain activity!!!! 🙂
    So funny Leslie and thanks for sharing those, made me chuckle and had Rod in stitches.

    Love and hugs
    Lynn xxx

    • Message In A Fold

      You are too funny! I’m glad you both enjoyed it. I get so frustrated with all the crap that gets sent to me with “The Sky Is Falling” junk, this one summed up all that frustration and made me laugh till I nearly fell off my chair.
      Love you – Leslie

  • gardenpinks

    Yay! I sussed out how to put the “About me” bit onto my blog page!!! That insufficient brain activity kicked into being 🙂

    Love and hugs
    Lynn xxx

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